Not this, not now, yes now

[vaneramos]

A bout of intense anxiety has hit. I felt some flashes last week, but during the past three days it has come in successive, overwhelming waves. It erupts especially whenever I try to plan a few hours into the future. It feels like a brain cramp: the harder I try to relax, the more it clenches. I begin to lose some basic perspective.

This afternoon I went to see the doctor. I got lost on the way, couldn't remember where I was going. It was the second time in two days I felt unsafe driving, my concentration was so poor. Anyway, I found my way to the clinic. Consulting with the doctor, I decided to take a few days off work to rest, and work on getting better.

The underlying stress goes back a few months. I can't afford to take time off for me. Therein lies one of the roots of this anxiety. I had not intended to withdraw from my emergency fund for this purpose, not now, but I have to.

The doctor is referring me to a specialist. He said, "Remeron seems like a strange choice for you." I asked why. Because Remeron is an anti-psychotic, he said. It is sedating. It does not affect the balance of neurotransmitters that relates directly to depression and anxiety.

This is not my usual doctor; he has taken on her patients while she is on maternity leave. He is the first person who has ever explained this to me. No question, the Remeron/mirtazapine has helped, but why am I taking an anti-psychotic? I have never experienced psychosis. I need more information.