Interviewing Cher, Jesus

[vaneramos]

Not long ago I talked to Cher.

Lately in my private journal I have been having conversations with all kinds of people. Conversations with myself really, but it helps to imagine how a different person would interact with me. It's great fun, and informative, too.

You see, easy conversation is not my gift. Just ask bitterlawngnome, ruralrob or someone else who has met me in person. I'm self-conscious and afraid that if I speak my mind, I'll offend someone.

So having conversations with myself is freeing. I can say whatever the hell I want. And be sure I do.

It all started with imagining myself walking down a beautiful country road and into some cottage where a wise old woman sat making a quilt. Next thing I knew she stuck a needle in my arm and I started swearing at her. These conversations can be volatile, because I'm free to open my psyche and let the diarrhea flow.

I had a couple of these peculiar interviews with anonymous characters of my own imagination. And then one day, unexpectedly, Cher popped up. I'm not especially turned on by celebrities (though I like Cher), so she took me by surprise.



We were riding in a black convertible on a winding road somewhere in Italy and she was wearing colourful scarves. I was driving. I didn't have a clue what to talk to her about. She broke the ice by speaking first. It began with the usual insolence that happens in these interviews, then slid into something different.

CHER: Why don't you just go jump in a lake? You have no brains. You're not perky. You need to wake up to all your talent. Those are such beautiful drawings you made. Can I have one for my collection?
VAN (gulping like a goldfish, trying to keep up with her): You're not Cher, you're Elsa, from Tea With Mussolini.
CHER: Same diff.
VAN: I'm moonstruck. This is beautiful, flying down this winding road...
CHER: Shaddup. You must come down and see me in New York.
VAN: Does she mean that?
CHER: Yes I do.
VAN: Why is it that everyone who enters my journal can always hear my thoughts? It's so distracting and annoying.
CHER: We're only here to guide you, Van. Why would you be ashamed of your thoughts?
VAN: It's just so one-sided. I can't read your thoughts.
CHER: But you get to invent whatever you want us to say. Isn't that a wonderful power?
VAN: I can't invent anything I want. It has to be convincing. The purpose of this is to create characters who are more than just projections of myself, who have different personalities and outlooks.
CHER: Personality? You shouldn't have any problem with that. You're an artist. And you love people. You love watching and listening to them.
VAN: How do you know all this about me? You're just Cher. Just a celebrity.
CHER: That's not very kind of you, Van. We're people. We care, too.
VAN: A celebrity who gives two cents, hmm. Don't you have to care most of all about yourself to get anywhere in America?
CHER: Initially, yes. But eventually you realize that self-centeredness doesn't really satisfy you. You need to learn how to love others in order to find happiness. Loving yourself isn't enough.
VAN: My goodness, I'm learning a lot from these people.
CHER: So you see, you just have to let us live in your imagination.
VAN: I was being sarcastic. You should have realized that.
CHER: You're being very uncharitable today, Van. Of course I realized you were being sarcastic. But I needed to take the words at face value to make you see the truth in them. You will learn a lot from yourself if you let different characters take form inside of you. I'm an actress, I should know that, too. I learned compassion from the role of Elsa.
VAN (glancing at her in surprise): But you must have had it to begin with.
CHER: Yes, but sometimes you need to throw yourself into a character to let a certain part of you come alive.
VAN: I can't believe I'm driving through an imaginary Italian countryside having an imaginary conversation with Cher.
CHER: You're going to go places you have never believed you could go, without ever leaving your head.
VAN: I'm so happy I got to meet you this way. It's certainly better than never meeting you at all.
Cher blinks out and I'm at Turkey Point, with naked men strolling by, walking their dogs. This is too surreal, and I feel stupid.

Well that was reasonably pleasant.

Most of these interviews are not so nice. The one with Jesus, now that was not pretty.

You see, I haven't talked to Jesus for at least four years. You know how old friends sometimes drift apart, and then a wall goes up and you never talk at all? I never had any hard feelings toward the Son of God, but I have to admit my ego got in the way of calling on him.

But Holy Mother of Guilt Trips. I had no idea how far and how bad things had gone.

Jesus was bitterer than Hell.

Comments

[bitterlawngnome.livejournal.com]

it's so hard to tell sometimes - are you sure Cher wasn't just Jesus in drag?

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Maybe, but then Jesus in drag was far less hostile, which is kind of unusual. ;-)

[ruralrob.livejournal.com]

Van - your conversation with Cher is interesting beacuse you've captured the things I think she probably would say.

But I'm really disappointed you didn't take photos . . .

(And we had some lovely chats; no problems there. You've led an interesting life and I was fascinated to hear about it.)

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Thanks Bob. You are one of those people who makes it easy to open up because I can tell you're genuinely interested. You seem fascinated with people, and that's a very nice quality.

Yeah, photographing Cher would have been tricky cause my writing hand was moving fast, and my left hand is next to useless.

[danthered.livejournal.com]

Whoah! Over"cher"ing!

8^{)}

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

hehehe!