vaneramos | More about changes

Hunting for a new home has been consuming most of my spare energy. It's hard on one's patience. Places that sound promising (and even look good in photos) often turn out to be disappointing, or misrepresented. Last week I viewed two utterly disgusting slum properties going for the same monthly rent as new houses in the suburbs. Other places turn out too small or lacking something important from our want list.

Friday we viewed a place we loved, backing onto a conservation area. It would have been a dream for a year. We applied for it immediately, but didn't get it. This afternoon we applied for another of similar quality. It's not as magical, but could feel like home until we settle and decide what's next.

I figured Danny and I might live together someday, but didn't expect it so soon. I've lived alone 13 years, but now we have to take practical steps to share our lives. Setting up a joint bank account reminded me of my miserable five-year marriage; other things of the subsequent passionate but devastating two-year relationship with a man.

But I am not the same person I was. 13 years on my own have taught me to take responsibility for myself. I don't expect Danny to complete me. Completion is a myth, and personal development comes from within.

Maybe we can be better together. I notice having him around brings out certain different qualities in me. It will be interesting to see how they work on a day-to-day basis. It will also be a relief to stop the constant strain of distance we have lived with for almost eight years.

I hope we get the place we applied for today. I am so tired of looking.

I have struggled to maintain my new habits, sometimes unsuccessfully. But they feel more natural now. I slip back into them easily, like a worn shoe.