Update

[vaneramos]

Been finding it hard to write lately, particularly on LJ but not only. Often in the past this has manifested as a symptom of depression. Ironically this time it comes from contentment.

I like cohabiting. For years I concentrated on independence—the idea that I mustn't rely on anyone else to facilitate being who I am. I came a long way with that purpose. But now Danny is here I rediscover a ready motivation from having someone else around. For example I love cooking, but it's much more inspiring to cook a decent meal to share with someone. So I do some food preparation every day. Each Saturday morning I plan meals for the week and then we go to farmers' market and bring home only what we need. Not much goes to waste.

Some of this also has to do with living in a nice house with enough space. Clutter can occur without becoming immediately oppressive or depressing. Sooner or later we get around to dealing with it, long before it obstructs our capacity for creativity and hospitality.

A little voice inside tells me I should be more adaptable to solitude and humble circumstances. But it's better to concentrate on the here and now and what seems to be working better for me than what I had before.

Coincidentally he finished work on Dec. 16 and I was laid off on Dec. 19, so we are both unemployed. He has been taking a sabbatical and I expect to get back to work in a few weeks. We're not in dire straits, and I'm enjoying the vacation. I've dabbled a little at writing web content, nothing lucrative enought to come anywhere near sustainable.

On the other hand, fibre has mounted into a compelling drive. I've worked at knitting and weaving hours each day. Recently a nice stole came off my floor loom. It's one of my first complete home projects and I think it's one of the loveliest yarn things I've ever created. The weft is Berroco Ultra Alpaca Fine and the warp includes the same yarn alternating rows with a boucle yarn I bought from Decadent Fibers at the Southern Adirondack Fiber Festival in New York last fall. I'm happy to be in the zone.



My inner magnetic field has started pulling me back toward writing, but I need to approach it differently. Like Jesus, it will not actually save or make me whole. It is a choice. It is something I once did well, a tool in my arsenal. I can use it again.

I realize much of my old motivation to interact on LJ came from loneliness. With that gone my inner world needs reorganization. We always need friends, but at this stage of my life perhaps the impulse must come (like writing) more from choice than from urge. I do miss you. So how are you?

Comments

[apel.livejournal.com]

It's good to hear from you, Van. Domestic contentment and creativity in another medium are wonderful reasons not to write. I think creativity benefits from "crop rotation" - using different expressions at different times.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

In one of my favourite self-help books on creativity, Creating a Life Worth Living, Carol Lloyd describes several different career models; one is the "Whirling Dervish". Many of her students have trouble imagining fulfilment without three different careers. I still have to find a way to make a living at one of the things I really like doing.

[missprune.livejournal.com]

Very interesting post, Van. I too have been thinking much about solitude versus companionship, I guess because my daughter is dealing with the loneliness of having no special live-in person to share life with. I notice how much I appreciate having my mate (of over thirty years!) with me, coming home from work, appreciating the meals I make, etc. I often wonder how well I would manage if I were on my own after all these years of companionship.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Your final point has been on my mind, too. I guess I don't want to worry about it too much—live in the present and all—but that's easier to say when you're 47.

Are you still editing? I'm curious partly to know how you're doing. But also because I have in mind self-publishing an autobiographical cookbook and it will need an editor.

[inishglora.livejournal.com]

I miss you too. heh. I'm hardly here anymore, and few people are posting. There hasn't been anything to say heretofore, but I've been feeling an urge to write again, even before I unearthed an old short story I wrote. It's not done, but some of the characters have something to say despite their storyline being politically outdated. And turns of phrase bubble up when my attention is elsewhere, and I think "I should jot that down so I don't lose it." Something is stirring, somewhere down in there.

And as it happens, I am expecting to be laid off in 60 days or so. My agency is going under due to not bringing in enough revenue for our services. It feels a little surreal, even though I had chafed and felt underutilized and wanted changed. Well, I have it coming now! I don't think we will come to ruin, if I am unable to find something immediately, but it would be nice to be able to rest and grow bored enough to stimulate the creative juices.

And I love that stole.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Thanks, and good to hear from you, Joe.

I'm lucky to still have a lively friends page. Much of the "bear community" I once had here is gone, but I suppose the acquaintances that continue are more serious anyway. I just need to make the effort to engage. In the beginning (2003) I came here to interact with other writers. Notably the two LJers I already knew before I joined are still writing and reading here.

Best of luck in the time ahead with employement and creative writing.

[ghostsandrobots.livejournal.com]

I miss you too! But glad you are happy.

I too am domestically happy, but stultified in my creative life. I'm starting to think that is my default state. Looking for something to get excited about.

Today it is seeing a post from you. :)

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Aw thanks, I miss you, too. When I don't bother to read LJ for too long I start to wonder how you are.

I've been doing a writing a wee bit of web content. It's deadly dull, but at least I feel like I'm doing something I'm good at. And becoming more efficient. That's exciting, too.