The trouble with achievement
Mar. 27th, 2013 03:28 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
vaneramosI've not been achieving my exercise goals very consistently. By this point in the month I was supposed to be exercising two days out of three. In actuality I'm not keeping close count, but it's probably closer to two out of five. I need to buck up to achieve a daily routine by the end of April.
It is only one of a number of habits I am struggling with. And perhaps herein lies the problem: that I am trying to achieve too many things at once. It hearkens back to childhood when my self-worth was measured by activities and achievements, and they were many. Lately, my most common form of self-sabotage has been manifesting: staying up until dawn playing Civ III. I'm not sure which is worse: trying to do too much, or the way I unconsciously protest.
I need to review my list of shoulds, many of them tied up with goals I've set recently:
What? Honestly, these ARE the things I want. I've worked that out. My daily life is much more focused on achieving my own goals than it has ever been in the past.
The real issue is: I need to make peace with imperfection. My parents were sure I could be the best at everything I chose to do. I still get that message sometimes. What I am doing now will never satisfy. The more I try to do, the more I realize happiness is not in achievement--it is in the moment, in the doing, in the being.
It is only one of a number of habits I am struggling with. And perhaps herein lies the problem: that I am trying to achieve too many things at once. It hearkens back to childhood when my self-worth was measured by activities and achievements, and they were many. Lately, my most common form of self-sabotage has been manifesting: staying up until dawn playing Civ III. I'm not sure which is worse: trying to do too much, or the way I unconsciously protest.
I need to review my list of shoulds, many of them tied up with goals I've set recently:
- I SHOULD be exercising daily.
- I SHOULD be getting to bed on time and getting up earlier.
- I SHOULD have an enjoyable and productive morning.
- I SHOULD be pitching more story ideas to editors.
- I SHOULD be writing fiction.
- I SHOULD be updating my blog three times a week.
- I SHOULD read more.
- I SHOULD be more social.
- I SHOULD get out of the house more.
What? Honestly, these ARE the things I want. I've worked that out. My daily life is much more focused on achieving my own goals than it has ever been in the past.
The real issue is: I need to make peace with imperfection. My parents were sure I could be the best at everything I chose to do. I still get that message sometimes. What I am doing now will never satisfy. The more I try to do, the more I realize happiness is not in achievement--it is in the moment, in the doing, in the being.
