The trouble with achievement

[vaneramos]

I've not been achieving my exercise goals very consistently. By this point in the month I was supposed to be exercising two days out of three. In actuality I'm not keeping close count, but it's probably closer to two out of five. I need to buck up to achieve a daily routine by the end of April.

It is only one of a number of habits I am struggling with. And perhaps herein lies the problem: that I am trying to achieve too many things at once. It hearkens back to childhood when my self-worth was measured by activities and achievements, and they were many. Lately, my most common form of self-sabotage has been manifesting: staying up until dawn playing Civ III. I'm not sure which is worse: trying to do too much, or the way I unconsciously protest.

I need to review my list of shoulds, many of them tied up with goals I've set recently:

1. I SHOULD be exercising daily.


2. I SHOULD be getting to bed on time and getting up earlier.


3. I SHOULD have an enjoyable and productive morning.


4. I SHOULD be pitching more story ideas to editors.


5. I SHOULD be writing fiction.


6. I SHOULD be updating my blog three times a week.


7. I SHOULD read more.


8. I SHOULD be more social.


9. I SHOULD get out of the house more.

Obviously these things are all good for my well-being, but I'm getting tangled in the process. Unfortunately I am working with an old, unpleasant script in which all the good things I do are done to please someone else, when what I really want to do is....

What? Honestly, these ARE the things I want. I've worked that out. My daily life is much more focused on achieving my own goals than it has ever been in the past.

The real issue is: I need to make peace with imperfection. My parents were sure I could be the best at everything I chose to do. I still get that message sometimes. What I am doing now will never satisfy. The more I try to do, the more I realize happiness is not in achievement--it is in the moment, in the doing, in the being.

Comments

[corridor7f.livejournal.com]

I feel like a bit of a fraud saying this, since I haven't exercised at all in almost 3 weeks, but the key is to start extremely slowly.

Like, one or two days a week. Your goal should be easy to meet, but not so easy that you drop the activity entirely. I've been reading a book on the psychology of "flow", where the key to really enjoying something is to balance the amount of challenge and the amount of skill level.

My mistake is almost always to expect too much of myself and then feel like I should throw out the whole deal because it isn't perfect. I'm hoping to lace up my runners some time this week and start again, hopefully I can follow my own advice.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

That's exactly how I tried to start: just one day of exercise the first week of March, and then it was just stretches! Then I was supposed to step up to once every three days, then every other day and so on. So far I am only trying to do stretching, walking and semi-aerobic weight lifting, all activities I enjoy, edging toward my goal of 45 minutes of daily exercise. In April I am planning to start running twice a week, which I don't look forward to...

Anyway, it isn't working out as planned. I do not think my exercise goals in themselves were too ambitious. I just have too many other goals conflicting for attention, and perhaps demanding to much structure. Almost every time I didn't exercise, it was because I forgot, even though I have a schedule pinned above my computer table.

[corridor7f.livejournal.com]

Anyway, it isn't working out as planned. I do not think my exercise goals in themselves were too ambitious.

I can relate to that a bit as well. Good change can lead to more good change.. and then you're spread too thin. I'd very much like exercise to be the foundation of my life - meaning, if everything else falls apart, I'll still be running.. though I think I'm a while away from that.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

That's interesting to consider. For a desired foundation for my life, the first thing that comes to mind is writing. But I suppose health is more important.

[vaysha.livejournal.com]

My parents were sure I could be the best at everything I chose to do.

I know this script and made peace when I realized I am good at the things I chose, like cooking and knitting and gardening and being a friend and there are many things I think I should do but just because I should doesn't mean my heart and soul choses them.

Not sure if that fits or works for you but it took some of the heat off.

I also realized that SHOULD in my self talk is a trigger for me and there is no better way for me to not want to do something than knowing I should
bleh.

♥
I hope you find a negotiation with your self that works for you.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

When I was writing this, you were the person who came to mind I wanted to talk to. I didn't know why. Thank you.

I never actually tell myself "I should" do anything. It isn't part of the language, but still the expectation and demands are there.

I think part of the negotiation is forgiving everyone, particularly myself for being resentful.

It's hard to think about what I am good at. This is somewhat muddled up with trying hard to make a living at one of the things I think I do well. Making a living is something I have hardly ever been good at. I've been making some progress, but hope feels unfamiliar.

[vaysha.livejournal.com]

it's a tough one for sure.


I've never been much good at making a living either. If I followed my passion...most of them are not very lucrative. I do enjoy my current job but I am there because it's very flexible and a job with a heart but I still barely eke out of a living.

What would you like to do?

[artricia.livejournal.com]

I find it helpful to recast the shoulds as "wants" or "goals" or "aims." You can make progress on a goal, even if you don't achieve it -- and you can talk yourself through being proud of your progress towards a goal. It's really easy to slip into a schedule of ramping it up and overshedule yourself though.

Another thing that can help is thinking about where in your day you want to place a new activity -- it helps to get concrete with it.

I suppose part of what I'm thinking of is my experiences with weight loss and writing my dissertation: with both, I had to continually celebrate every little step, and realize that just keeping going was more important than doing more and more and more. Would it be helpful to just let yourself coast along at your current levels of exercise, writing, pitching, etc.?

And of course, there were times in my life when I had to scale things back big time just to get the basics, like sleep, straightened out. Sometimes that's the best thing to do.

I find myself wondering if you have clues from the past, as to what might be throwing off your sleep and what helps you get back on track. It sounds like you've got some awareness (feeling pressured from the shoulds), but I find myself thinking of your various medications, the fact that the light is coming back, etc., and wonder if there are other factors at play.

Good luck with the struggle, Van.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

A week ago I decided to shift my routine slightly to work on fiction from 9:30 to 11:00, then do 20 minutes of exercise (working toward 45 minutes in a couple of weeks), then I would work on freelance stuff after lunch. That should have been fine. I'm excited about getting fiction off the back burner, I have an idea brewing, and exercise is a nice way to end the writing session. Unfortunately it depends on me having a good morning, which is pretty idealistic. I tried to just go with the flow and start writing when my brain was in gear, but sometimes that doesn't happen until 11, which throws the whole day off.

I could try just exercising on the days when I think of it and have time, but somehow I don't think that will be sustainable. I'm bargaining with myself: if I run twice a week (which I dread), I can do semi-aerobic weight lifting four days (which I enjoy) and go for a leisurely walk on the seventh day. So if I skip days I will probably skip running, which defeats the purpose.

By the same token, I need to pitch more vigorously to make the writing life sustainable. I could afford to let the fiction writing coast, but that would be sad.

Staying up all night playing a computer game is an escape from anxiety and responsibility. I need game play in moderation. I think over-indulgence indicates resistance to changing my routine. I'm actually very happy about where my life is moving. I probably just need to stick with these changes, not give up and wait for myself to adjust to the new normal.

[artricia.livejournal.com]

What if you exercise first, then have the time when your brain gets more creative (10-11:30?) for fiction, as your "reward"? And is there something less dreadful than running that will fulfill the same needs, or a way to make running more enjoyable (music, a particular route...)?

I meant to ask if you know about the 80/20 rule -- something I picked up in alanon, but it goes beyond that to just not letting perfectionism derail you. Basically, if you're hitting the mark 4 times out of 5, you're doing well.

I COMPLETELY understand about the staying up late on the computer. I have done the same thing, especially before I had a little one.

I think if changing the routine is upping your anxiety, but backing off from it/backing off from it too much isn't doable, then finding ways to make it more enjoyable/less anxiety provoking, or ways to intersperse joyful "rewards" with less fun activities is key.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

You're right about perfectionism being the issue. When I try to look objectively at my life, I've been making progress on a lot of fronts, and yet it's easy to get discouraged over a single day. I was so chuffed about easily establishing a salad-eating habit in Jan/Feb that I expected exercise to happen smoothly, too. I guess it was easier to change a habit that the body demands (eating) than to introduce something it would rather forget about.

I still need to work hard at being healthier and finding more writing work. I'm not sure what is the best solution. I don't think it's the content of these habits (all activities I enjoy, and yes, I am even looking forward to running in the woods), but the degree of structure and focus to which I am resistant. I can't afford to spend hours a day doing following whims and avoiding responsibilities. I need to be hard on my ass but with a language of reinforcement, rather than negativity. Talking about it here has helped.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Maybe my dream fragment this morning (everyone was happily step dancing) was a clue from my subconscious to try another form of exercise.

[artricia.livejournal.com]

I like that a lot. :)

[e-musings.livejournal.com]

I see some of the other commenters brought up the word SHOULD...I felt overwhelmed by your list, and maybe you do, too, and that's why you aren't meeting your goals? Breaking down goals into realistic bits helps to achieve those goals.

Exercise is a wonderful thing, but I think it takes a long while to get to a daily or even most days routine.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Yes, I'm trying to edge into it slowly but with mixed success. I suppose I just need to be patient with myself and the process, and not give up.