Depression and creativity

[vaneramos]

I have had a lot of really rough days lately (fortunately mixed in with a few good ones). It usually hits late morning when I try to move from my start-the-day routine into actually getting work done. There comes a wall of despair and dread about how much I have to do and how [insert distortional adjective] I am.

I try to talk myself over the hump by assigning one or two important but not-too-challenging tasks. If I can get through them, the rest is gravy. Sometimes this helps. And, as I've mentioned elsewhere, when I have a writing assignment deadline, it focuses my thoughts and I'm fine.

Sometimes the pain is so bad I just have to leave my desk and go to the craft room. Earlier in the fall I sometimes avoided spinning or weaving because it did not distract me enough from brooding. But I have come to accept that facing my own negativity is better than forgetfulness and avoidance. So I will spin and brood rather than play computer games and forget. By the end of the afternoon at least I don't feel the day has been lost. And I have something beautiful in my hands.

About the most fulfilling thing I have found to do is turn this creative time toward making things for people I care about.

So I spun and knitted the hat and mobius cowl for Brenna as a birthday gift (she turned 20 on Friday, and now that she has received the package I can show it). The colours were inspired by this photo I took on our camping trip around the Maritimes in 2005. This was taken on Grand Manan Island, which Brenna said was her favourite part of the trip.



Below is a picture of the fibres I used in the hat, the primary one being the incredibly soft and warm yak/silk in the upper left corner. Also included (moving clockwise) are brassy wool/mohair/llama from my friend Michael del Vecchio, hand-dyed green Border Leicester locks, white alpaca/wool from Ray Rossiter, green merino/silk from Louet, black merino, blue-grey alpaca/silk djjo bought for me at the Adirondack Fibre Festival in 2011, orange merino mill ends from the Black lamb, yellow and green tussah silk, yellow merino, Firestar and peach tussah.



Sorry for this rambling post. It has been hard to put words together lately.

For the time being, it is hard going and I'm tired. When I am able to concentrate, I find beauty and gratitude.

[Edit: I forgot to mention the core spun yarn was plied with Fleece Artist Goldilocks (kid mohair/silk/nylon boucle which added to the softness) left over from weaving this stole.]

Comments

[missprune.livejournal.com]

That is beautiful work, I love the way you took the colors of the landscape and found them in the fibers. I've also had some very rough days, and it's a struggle sometimes to get up and face a day that looks daunting. Like you, I've figured out that going through the motions of living the parts of life where "my heart isn't in it" - moved me to think about what my heart IS in, and it's the people I care about. That's about what it all boils down to. Only the people. Oh and a cat or two. Juggling meds and tapering and getting off one or another is part of the struggle for me and maybe it's part of yours these days too. Trying to find the mix that really works and yet also wanting to be free of all of it. Sleep apnea changed my life and I can't say I'm grateful for it. I guess right now I'm trying to accept that "normal for me" is what it is, and comparing my "normal" to anyone else's "normal" only makes me feel inadequate and incompetent. Okay enough grousing. The work is beautiful!

[corridor7f.livejournal.com]

Lovely colours and concept. I agree - playing games on the computer just pulls me out of time for a bit and I never really feel better afterwards. Trying to do less of this as well.

[smileyfish.livejournal.com]

Beautiful work in soothing colours. You have a real talent for this Van.