Danny, Bill and Daniel
Sep. 3rd, 2003 08:25 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
vaneramosI have spent several weekends this summer with Danny ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
djjo and the members of his household. For the benefit of my friends I will identify the characters. Danny lives with Bill bitterlawngnome, his partner of ten years who introduced us in the first place. Bill also has a boyfriend, Daniel danthered, who has his own apartment but plays a vital role. My friendship and intimacy with Danny is central, but I am attracted to (and increasingly fond of) all three men. It is a new and important experience for me. We are open and honest, though I have much to learn about speaking my mind. I don't do it readily. Bill frequently challenges me about that.
Living alone, I get skin starved. That's how I felt on Friday afternoon upon arrival at the house. I had warned Danny I might maul whoever answered the door.
It was Bill, which required a change of plan. He towers nearly a head taller and could probably lift me off the ground with a single finger. I am 5'9" and 175 lbs., so extrapolate (Gnome indeed!). Besides, he had been feeling under the weather for several days. I felt as inclined to maul him as I would a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation. But he gives good hug, and that was what I needed.
We lounged and chatted in the living room for a while. Then Danny came home from work and dragged me upstairs until dinnertime to find out how much I missed him the past three weeks.
One commonality among the four of us is an interest in photography. Saturday morning, after sleeping in, Danny and I took our cameras and headed to Kensington Market. The sidewalks bulged with crates of summer produce. The scent of fresh basil and ripe fruit hung in the air. A jazz trio performed on the sidewalk. We stopped to take photos of brightly coloured batiks and two hot-rodded vintage cars.
Then we continued to Chinatown, exploring the noisy stalls along Spadina Avenue and stopping for a sweet snack of sesame balls and coconut tarts. The neighbourhood is also known for its numerous small art galleries. Danny took me to see the co-operative studio where he has use of a dark room. By then we were exhausted and caught the bus home for a rest.
Saturday night I showed off my culinary prowess. It turns out Daniel is especially fond of one of my specialties, spare ribs. So I brought some pork ribs from Guelph, wrapped with an ice pack in foil and plastic and carried in my luggage. Saturday evening I precooked and marinaded them in Bill and Danny's kitchen, then we all went to Daniel's and used the gas barbecue. Bill and Daniel brought some sweet corn from their afternoon drive, which Danny grilled. Daniel made a cucumber salad. We finished things off with hot blueberry pie and a glass of port.
Daniel's 22nd-floor apartment overlooks Toronto harbour. At 10 p.m. we turned the lights out and watched the CNE fireworks (Daniel's photos) in the distance. Afterward we sat visiting for a while, Bill and Daniel snuggling on the couch, myself between Danny's knees, enjoying a head rub like I haven't had in years.
I felt a sense of belonging. Everyone has a primal need for belonging. It was an honour to experience it with those three exceptional men.
Finally Danny and I headed back to the house for another snuggly night.
djjo and the members of his household. For the benefit of my friends I will identify the characters. Danny lives with Bill bitterlawngnome, his partner of ten years who introduced us in the first place. Bill also has a boyfriend, Daniel danthered, who has his own apartment but plays a vital role. My friendship and intimacy with Danny is central, but I am attracted to (and increasingly fond of) all three men. It is a new and important experience for me. We are open and honest, though I have much to learn about speaking my mind. I don't do it readily. Bill frequently challenges me about that.Living alone, I get skin starved. That's how I felt on Friday afternoon upon arrival at the house. I had warned Danny I might maul whoever answered the door.
It was Bill, which required a change of plan. He towers nearly a head taller and could probably lift me off the ground with a single finger. I am 5'9" and 175 lbs., so extrapolate (Gnome indeed!). Besides, he had been feeling under the weather for several days. I felt as inclined to maul him as I would a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation. But he gives good hug, and that was what I needed.
We lounged and chatted in the living room for a while. Then Danny came home from work and dragged me upstairs until dinnertime to find out how much I missed him the past three weeks.
One commonality among the four of us is an interest in photography. Saturday morning, after sleeping in, Danny and I took our cameras and headed to Kensington Market. The sidewalks bulged with crates of summer produce. The scent of fresh basil and ripe fruit hung in the air. A jazz trio performed on the sidewalk. We stopped to take photos of brightly coloured batiks and two hot-rodded vintage cars.
Then we continued to Chinatown, exploring the noisy stalls along Spadina Avenue and stopping for a sweet snack of sesame balls and coconut tarts. The neighbourhood is also known for its numerous small art galleries. Danny took me to see the co-operative studio where he has use of a dark room. By then we were exhausted and caught the bus home for a rest.
Saturday night I showed off my culinary prowess. It turns out Daniel is especially fond of one of my specialties, spare ribs. So I brought some pork ribs from Guelph, wrapped with an ice pack in foil and plastic and carried in my luggage. Saturday evening I precooked and marinaded them in Bill and Danny's kitchen, then we all went to Daniel's and used the gas barbecue. Bill and Daniel brought some sweet corn from their afternoon drive, which Danny grilled. Daniel made a cucumber salad. We finished things off with hot blueberry pie and a glass of port.
Daniel's 22nd-floor apartment overlooks Toronto harbour. At 10 p.m. we turned the lights out and watched the CNE fireworks (Daniel's photos) in the distance. Afterward we sat visiting for a while, Bill and Daniel snuggling on the couch, myself between Danny's knees, enjoying a head rub like I haven't had in years.
I felt a sense of belonging. Everyone has a primal need for belonging. It was an honour to experience it with those three exceptional men.
Finally Danny and I headed back to the house for another snuggly night.
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no subject
Date: 2003-09-03 07:07 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-09-03 12:30 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-09-03 09:36 am (UTC)I mean "deserve" carefully because I believe, fundamentally, that ALL humans "deserve" these kinds of connection and belonging. (I'll hold aside very very rare cases of people who do such heinous damage to others that they forfeit their humanity.)
I don't think this needs to be earned. It's a birthright, rather than an entitlement. So I don't believe that you deserve it MORE than anyone else.
But knowing a bit of your history, and having compared notes about things we've been though, I dare say you've been a person who felt you deserved such things LESS than others, or that they did need to be earned and that you hadn't. That's the sadness I think both you and I have struggled with, each in our way.
So what's precious about reading this entry is the opportunity to tell you: if this could be earned, you have earned it, and though it probably can't be earned, I'm so thrilled that you're getting to claim your *birthright*. Notice it. Feel it. Revel in it. Because you deserve it.
More of this for you in the future.
no subject
Date: 2003-09-03 12:38 pm (UTC)Where I lose self-confidence is over my capacity to achieve it. I felt invisible to my family, to my schoolmates, and even to my friends in a crowd. I don't expect people to care what I deserve.
I crave belonging in a family or group; a community in the most vital sense of the word. Believing that I actually belong, and acting accordingly, is the biggest challenge before me.
no subject
Date: 2003-09-03 12:57 pm (UTC)I have a version of this myself. What's interesting is (watch out, I'm getting technical about emotions here, always a tricky thing) ... one would think this would manifest as a lack of confidence NOT about OUR "self" and OUR "capacity" to achieve it, but in THEIR abilities.
I mean, what's difficult, and yet so fascinating to me, is this deep interplay of self and other people seem to get into. To be invisible to others, to doubt THEIR ability to care about us, to worry about belonging, ought not be a matter of SELF-confidence. And yet it is.
I still crave to feel connected and belonging even more deeply than I do now. I think I have less "self" doubt than I used to, however. I more often assume that I am a particular mix of qualities that is unusual enough that the number of my deep soul-mates will always be small ... and less often wonder "do *I* have the capacity to achieve connection?"
Yet doubts about my own capacity do arise from this.
Fuck. What I really mean to say is: I'm very happy for you!!
no subject
Date: 2003-09-03 01:09 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-09-03 01:26 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-09-03 11:21 am (UTC)*HUG*
no subject
Date: 2003-09-03 12:45 pm (UTC)You might be feeling my absence from chat. My decision to stop using it was unrelated to this, and unrelated to anything in particular but my own life. I simply couldn't afford the time it soaked up, plus I am unable to multitask conversations.
It's okay
Date: 2003-09-03 09:20 pm (UTC)Just glad to see you've been grabbing happy when it's there to grab. You've had it coming for a while.
no subject
Date: 2003-09-03 11:21 am (UTC)Seven years "officially" but in reality it will have been ten years this coming Hallowe'en that we first met.
a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation
There is nothing to fear. Really.
no subject
Date: 2003-09-03 01:02 pm (UTC)I'm starting to get it.
I realized today, part of the problem is I had spent too much time alone without adult company. Solitude is safe and restful, but self-confidence comes from meaningful interaction with others. After three weeks of hardly seeing any friends, I needed a boost. I got that over the weekend, believe me. :-)
no subject
Date: 2003-09-03 01:21 pm (UTC)This is going to sound off-topic, but: have I mentioned my interest in primates with you? You just powerfully reminded me of my feeling that we (as humans, and perhaps especially as males) are more like bonobos and chimps (relatively social), less like gorillas (semi-social) or orangs (solitary). Yet both the cuddle-pile and the forest solitude call to us.
bonobos have more fun than cicadas
Date: 2003-09-03 03:30 pm (UTC)The Human Nature Daily Review
It gots lotsa interesting stuff, often links to articles about the evolution of human behaviour.
When I visited just now to get the URL, I saw this interesting tidbit:
"Like the foxes, humans have become more agreeable as we've become more domesticated. Whereas humans are like chimpanzees when it comes to between-group aggression, when it comes to levels of aggression among members of the same social group, we are much more like peaceful, highly sexual bonobos. Harvard University anthropologist Richard W. Wrangham proffers a plausible theory: as a result of selection pressures for greater within-group peacefulness and sexuality, humans and bonobos have gone down a different behavioral evolutionary path than chimps have," writes Michael Shermer. [More]
Anyhoo, yeah, this stuff interests me, too. I'm just glad we didn't evolve from cicadas: 13 years alone under the ground, then a quick fuck before death.
no subject
Date: 2003-09-03 01:08 pm (UTC)'Course not. Being mauled by bears is fun.
no subject
Date: 2003-09-03 01:12 pm (UTC)Big hugs and thanks to you Van
Date: 2003-09-03 01:24 pm (UTC)'Skin starved' is a feeling I get sometimes, so it was great having all that time to revel in touch. And it was also nice to just do stuff with you, Bill and Daniel. Those ribs were purdy amazin!
It was great going out taking pictures with you. It's neat looking at the differences in what each of us 'saw' during the walk around. We were both in the same place, yet different and similar things attracted us. It's also interesting learning about another persons visual language.
I'm looking forward to two weeks from now. I haven't been to Guelph yet, and I look forward to seeing all these places I keep seeing in your pictures.
Big hugs there Van! Danny
Re: Big hugs and thanks to you Van
Date: 2003-09-03 03:49 pm (UTC)I was a little disappointed with the pics I took on the weekend. None very exciting. I don't think I'll post anymore, but I'll show you the rest when you come.
I'm feeling frustrated with my photography this week. I think it's misdirected emotions over loss of Very Interesting Subjects (my daughters).
Talk to ya soon, handsome cub.
Re: Big hugs and thanks to you Van
Date: 2003-09-03 05:43 pm (UTC)Re: Big hugs and thanks to you Van
Date: 2003-09-03 09:44 pm (UTC)Actually, I take your thoughts more seriously than most people's. I like those pictures better already. Thank you. :-)
no subject
Date: 2003-09-04 06:55 am (UTC)