Unguarded

[vaneramos]

Sunday afternoon was a gem. Danny djjo and I arrived downtown 45 minutes early, so we stood outside on the bus platform, enjoying the fresh air and bright reflections of sunshine.



Today has been one of revelation. Writing about anxiety has allowed me join together some themes in my life, glimpsing a stretch of the path forward through wilderness.

A few months ago a LJ friend, on one of our first meetings in person, asked in the course of casual interaction, "Are you feeling self-conscious?" I was startled. I felt nothing out of the ordinary, in fact I was relatively happy in his company.

"I'm alright," I replied, laughing nervously. "Self-consciousness is a fact of my life. It doesn't mean I'm not enjoying myself."

The exact same thing happened last week. Another new acquaintance, the first time we have met outside a public place.

"Are you uncomfortable about something?" he asked.

I had to explain myself again. The fact that this anxiety is so obvious to people who barely know me only aggravates the problem. In fact I have trouble relaxing in most social situations and there are very, very few people with whom I feel at ease most of the time. Perhaps only two. My friend Jon is one of them.

The other is Danny. Part of the reason most of my romantic relationships have fizzled is that I couldn't let my guard down. Lacking a sense of confidence about how I fit in the relationship, I was always afraid to be and give of myself. Danny's gentleness and optimism, which are naturally his but I like to think I encourage, make me feel free.

See for yourself.

Comments

[dakoopst.livejournal.com]

Wonderful picture, and wonderful reflections on your relationships. You always amaze me with your insight.

[chrisglass.livejournal.com]

Great photo.

I usually get, "You don't like me do you?" when meeting new folk. Strange. My knit brow always send the wrong message.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Ha! I tend to smile but have trouble making eye contact, which is probably what cues people that I'm ill at ease.

I remember the night I met Danny, Bill and Daniel. Whenever I looked up, Danny would be watching me with an expression much like the one in this photo.

[art-thirst.livejournal.com]

I didn't feel that from you at all. Meeting you was really like meeting up with an old friend. I wish we had more time to sit and have a drink or something. :-)

Yay! Hope to see you guys when you come in May

[djjo.livejournal.com]

It looks like work is going to screw up plans to go to Rochester on Can/Am weekend. I haven't given them my decision yet, but they've pretty much given me no option but working that weekend.

big hugs to you two! see you then or in Montreal at least!
Danny

Re: Hello....

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

I know how unnerving these realizations can be. I wish you comfort.

I look forward to meeting you as well. I'm not sure about that weekend in May, but it's possible. Montreal for sure.

[bitterlawngnome.livejournal.com]

Well Ok, here's how I remember it - I *knew* you were feeling self-conscious, and with someone else I might have tried various different tactics to relax you - acting silly, or talking about myself, or putting it aside and just waiting. But I thought with you the best tactic was to enlist your help rather than try and do something "for" you. Among other things I think you have the self-insight to give a useful answer when I ask questions about that kind of thing - you can tell me what you need, not everyone can. So by asking "Are you feelings self-conscious" I was doing what seemed the obvious and actually only thing that could help relax the tension.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Don't take my writing this as a complaint against you. I had practically forgotten about the incident until a similar thing happened last week, here in my own apartment. Apparently other people are sometimes more aware of my anxiety than I am. The reason is, I've always lived with it. I hardly know what anyone can do to help me relax, other than accepting the self-consciousness as part of my personality. Hopefully I'll gain some more insight soon.

[bitterlawngnome.livejournal.com]

Didn't take it that way at all.

In my opinion. For what it's worth. Knowing that that's how you are and being able to articulate that puts you miles ahead of most people. And it puts me at ease, too, when you say that, cause then I know there isn't really anything particular that I have to do, you've got it under control as much as it's going to be.

gentle hugs to you and thanks for the pic!

[djjo.livejournal.com]

You always make me look so good! Guess it's cause you make me feel wonderful it shows through in your pictures of me.

looking through the trees
seeing the glade ahead
feeling the path beneath my feet
step

Bright times and happines to you Van! Big hugs
Danny

Re: gentle hugs to you and thanks for the pic!

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Mmm, that makes me want to lead you deep, deep into the forest. Remember our quiet escapade at Turkey Point?

One thing I know: for the past nine months I have always had something to look forward to.

[ubermunkey.livejournal.com]

wow that is one woofy pic, not in the hot bear gotta have you now liquid sex sort of way but in that other way, that good god look at this man, I get a glimpse of realness or depth of magic.

great entry and pic.

Your comments on the self conscious thing were interesting. I mean if other folks didn't feel that to some extent you wouldn't be mirroring it back to them, they wouldn't recognize it. Would they?

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

You have described that sexiness pretty well. Nothing demanding or aggressive, it is simply irresistible. It's like a bright pebble at the bottom of a stream. I can't help reaching for it, in admiration, and knowing how comfortable it will feel in my hand.

Your last statement is also correct.

[apel.livejournal.com]

I'm not normally into the bear type of man but I've gotta say one thing here: Squee! ;-)

As far as the anxiety goes, that's a tough one to beat. I know I've been working on it for a long time. Just noticing that people won't actually hit me even if I stick around for a little while doesn't seem to help. In the situation itself it sometimes lessens the anxiety for me if I keep saying the same soothing thing over and over again to myself. Something like "Trust the process". For me this is an issue of trust, specificially trusting that people won't be nasty to me. What is the cause of your anxiety? What do you think will happen when you're around people?

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Isn't he adorable?

As for your questions, there is no single cause of my anxiety. Some formative experiences from my family of origin are relevant, but the most traumatic things happened at school, in my marriage and when I came out of the closet. There was also a string of jobs in which I performed poorly. I fear many things, but most difficult is fear of the low energy and occasional panic associated with anxiety itself. In social situations I am self-conscious about my inability to converse freely, and this too is rooted in life-long problems with anxiety.

You won the lottery, man!

[eloquentwthrage.livejournal.com]

What a hunk of burning love!

Re: You won the lottery, man!

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Ya, I got lucky!