Poetry reading

First, I'm sorry to Bill and the whole group of LJ friends gathered for Sunday night dinner, that I had to depart so soon after arriving. I would love to have spent an evening catching up with any one of you. The past few days have been emotionally intense. Not in a bad way, but tonight I hit the wall, and my body demanded to be taken home.

The poetry reading this afternoon went over pretty well, although I was quite nervous in front of an audience of more than 30 people, about half of them strangers. I will suggest and try to arrange for a podium to be provided next time OOTS holds an event such as this. Some writers don't like them, but others need them, and unfortunately I fall within the latter group. I'm capable of controlling my voice well, but my hands shake badly when I'm nervous, so if I have to hold whatever I'm reading, the pages tremble and my anxiety becomes visually perceptible to everyone. I managed to get through it, even made a joke about it, but a podium would have put me more at ease. Call it hiding, if you will. But I'm not an actor, I'm a poet.

I had worried that the reading might be too much for Brenna, because my poetry can be intensely personal. I had made it clear I didn't expect her to attend, but that she was welcome. Well, after I finished reading, while I was still shaking with excitement, she was the first person to make her way through the crowd, and say, "You did a great job." For me, that was the most touching moment out of an emotionally packed weekend.

My poetry seemed well-received, although to be quite frank, I felt that the mostly-straight audiences I had five and six years ago received it more warmly. Presumably my voice holds more novelty for them. There were exceptions today, though: a few people obviously, deeply moved by what I read.

Two poems received specific compliments. No surprises there, really. "Bathhouse lovers", written in 2000 and not yet published anywhere online, has always been somebody's favourite whenever I've read it. Gay people seem puzzled that straight people could appreciate it, but I am not surprised. It's not so much about "sex on the wild side" as about craving connection, which practically everyone can relate to.

And another friend said one of my new poems brought her to tears: "Kathy". I think it's one of my best, and this was my first opportunity to read it to a live audience, so I'm pleased it moved someone that way.

I was also encouraged by the large number of local friends who turned out to support me, or the library. Besides Brenna, Danny and the other OOTS volunteers, there was Laura from Two Rivers, and a bunch from the Rainbow Chorus: Sylvie, Les, Marg, Paula, Jen, Margie and a new member whose name escapes me. Also John "SirBear" and Mike. I doubt any of them will read this, but my thanks goes out.

Hakuna matata

Been so busy lately, I really needed a down day. So my brain played solitaire, and my body just curled here like a cat in the chair. The time change is toying with my endocrine system. For the first time in weeks I felt free-floating anxiety: that prickling sensation. It's only my body. I didn't get sucked in. Didn't feel like talking to people. There will be plenty of time for that tomorrow.

Danny found an external CD burner in the attic, so today I removed 2 G of images from the hard drive of the old computer. On a whim, I threw a disk in the old burner, and the damn thing worked. I still have the pile of useless disk here that it chewed. Maybe the computer senses its imminent replacement and is begging forgiveness. Futile, now that I've had a chance to play with 1 G of RAM.

Bruce is determined to give me a working computer. He took his old PC back home last night and replaced practically every part of it. Windows has to be installed again, of course. I am embarrassed and grateful. He is an angel. I might drive to Toronto Thursday evening to pick it up, if it's ready, otherwise on the weekend.

I'm not interested in Hallowe'en this year.

I have only the foggiest notion what I'm writing for NaNoWriMo. Only one day left, but tonight I'm determined not to worry about it, or anything else.

Coming and going

It appears the "fans of x's journal" tool at http://marnanel.org/joule is no longer operational. Does anyone know of a device that performs the same function? Mostly, I want an easy way to tell who has added and deleted me from their friends list, because with roughly 150 names, it isn't easy.