The trouble with achievement

I've not been achieving my exercise goals very consistently. By this point in the month I was supposed to be exercising two days out of three. In actuality I'm not keeping close count, but it's probably closer to two out of five. I need to buck up to achieve a daily routine by the end of April.

It is only one of a number of habits I am struggling with. And perhaps herein lies the problem: that I am trying to achieve too many things at once. It hearkens back to childhood when my self-worth was measured by activities and achievements, and they were many. Lately, my most common form of self-sabotage has been manifesting: staying up until dawn playing Civ III. I'm not sure which is worse: trying to do too much, or the way I unconsciously protest.

I need to review my list of shoulds, many of them tied up with goals I've set recently:

1. I SHOULD be exercising daily.


2. I SHOULD be getting to bed on time and getting up earlier.


3. I SHOULD have an enjoyable and productive morning.


4. I SHOULD be pitching more story ideas to editors.


5. I SHOULD be writing fiction.


6. I SHOULD be updating my blog three times a week.


7. I SHOULD read more.


8. I SHOULD be more social.


9. I SHOULD get out of the house more.

Obviously these things are all good for my well-being, but I'm getting tangled in the process. Unfortunately I am working with an old, unpleasant script in which all the good things I do are done to please someone else, when what I really want to do is....

What? Honestly, these ARE the things I want. I've worked that out. My daily life is much more focused on achieving my own goals than it has ever been in the past.

The real issue is: I need to make peace with imperfection. My parents were sure I could be the best at everything I chose to do. I still get that message sometimes. What I am doing now will never satisfy. The more I try to do, the more I realize happiness is not in achievement--it is in the moment, in the doing, in the being.