Marian at 12

[vaneramos]

Near Queen and Spadina
Toronto
Sunday afternoon

The past week our relationship deepened considerably. I have never met anyone else who thinks so much like me or shares my obscure sense of humour. We both crave wilderness and simplicity, enjoy good food, feel cynical about popular culture and believe in living life to the fullest. We had some long, hard laughs in the car.

Comments

[robearal.livejournal.com]

I'm so happy for you. And for her.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Me too. :-)

[ciddyguy.livejournal.com]

And so am I.

And according to the pictures, she seems both hard and soft at the same time.

By that I mean, she seems hardened, yet seems vulnerable as well. She seems wise for her age to some degree, or is that an illusion?

Anyhow, I'm glad you and Marian are getting a chance to really get to know each other and to discover who the each of you are.

Thanks for sharing.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

You're welcome. She certainly understands what's going on in the world.

[mylastsigh.livejournal.com]

beautiful photo and words

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Thank you!

[ubermunkey.livejournal.com]

amazing pic
so deep and so beautiful, when do they go from being young girls to becoming young women? when does that happen?

I get this sense of hope and joy from these posts and pics. Very lovely, and strenghthening that bond is awesome. Be well both of you!

cheers

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Every girl is different. It's a big change from being alone with Marian last week to Brenna this week. She has a quick and clever wit but is more innocent in some ways, and I sense she will be for some time. What an adventure, getting to know our children.

Be well. :-)

[dakoopst.livejournal.com]

Isn't it amazing to see pieces of you in someone so close?

Congratulations on your deepening relationship. :)

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Are you speaking from personal experience? I've never observed it quite the same way before. It's like parts of her mind are a different version of mine.

[quirkstreet.livejournal.com]

The older I get, the more I experience that "parts of that mind are like mine, but different" with my father. And to a lesser extent, my mother.

One of my regrets about not having kids (yet?/ever?) is not having these kinds of experiences with someone younger.

She's quite beautiful. I see some real depth there; I'm hoping less of it is the depth of sadness, like what you've talked about having gone through at a similar age, than it was for you. But if it is depth due to sadness, I think she's very fortunate in her father, who I think will be much more help to her than the people around him were able to be.

Need I say that so much of her beauty reminds me of you?

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

I feel like I have little in common with my parents. I mean we have similarities, but I observe them across a gulf. I have never had moments when my mind seemed to meld with either of them, when we could be completely unguarded. My parents weren't paying enough attention or allowing me to be myself when I was 12.

Marian is not particularly unhappy. She is displeased about certain factors acting in her life, but is self-aware enough to express her feelings, which come out as defiance and cynical humour more than sadness. She insists that she takes after me. In fact she thinks like me, but our temperaments are different. She is made of tougher stuff than me. When something offends her, she doesn't keep the thought inside.

My biggest worry is that she will let her defiance take an upper hand over acting with good judgment on her own behalf. She likes to shock people. She even tries to shock me, but with me it's mostly superficial.

[quirkstreet.livejournal.com]

That "liking to shock people" seems to be a very common persona for bright young women who are displeased with certain factors in their lives. Not having met Marian I can't say something more individual about her. But many of my friends have commented about how it is for young women, and from what I've seen of that age myself, my sense is that she's entering the age at which smart young women start to notice their own power, but also start noticing the many things in the world that are still stacked against bright young women.

I'd hate to get into a victim mentality, but adolescence IS a big deal, and I think bright young women face particular challenges.

Like you, I'd worry about the temptation to take her defiance farther than her good sense. There is a LOT that really OUGHT to be defied. But I have women friends who were quite rebellious at that age and rebelled so hard that they burned out. It's a tough balance, not to go to those extremes.

But this is why she's--dare I use such a religiously loaded word--blessed to have you as her father. I haven't seen how you really interact with her, but my time with you and our online conversations give me a lot of confidence about the tools you bring to bear on being a great father to a young woman like Marian.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

I'm concerned that she'll put too much energy into rebelling against the strict dress code etc. at her boarding school next year. It is not a religious school, so I don't think it will try to curb her freedom to think and question things like the old one did. I have been encouraging her to save her energy for the important battles and not make herself miserable over the superficial ones.

[grandiva1968.livejournal.com]

My sentiments exactly.

[stephe.livejournal.com]

I've been trying to figure out a way to say this without sounding like some creepy, middle-aged perv, but: you have a very, very cute daughter who is going to grow up into a beautiful and interesting woman.

[queenmomcat.livejournal.com]

Don't worry; he really is OK--I wouldn't let him be creepy around other people's daughters. 12 is an interesting age; it really is the point at which girls suddenly start becoming women. They're not adult by any means but it's as if they have left the world of childhood behind and begun learning how to interact with the adult world.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Yes, the past couple of years I have seen a dramatic transition. It's probably more obvious to me since I don't see them all the time. The hardest time with Marian (for me) was actually two years ago. It will be interesting to see what happens with Brenna; she's a much different person from her sister.

[queenmomcat.livejournal.com]

Allowing for individual differences, I don't see why Brenna wouldn't turn out as well as Marian, but one never knows. We have no children of our own, but I've known both kids and parents over the years, and of course, I've known all the library patrons. A friend of mine said when her daughters were Marian's age "It's neat; I can do things with them now! (instead of merely care for them as helpless children)"-at the time they were acting for the first time with her in a play put on by the local community theater.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

There's nothing wrong with admiration. Thank you, I agree with you.