Hopeful, distraught

[vaneramos]

I have a first meeting in two-and-a-half hours with Dr. J, potentially my new shrink. I am so anxious I could hardly eat breakfast this morning. I just want to find someone who will help me find the tools I need to take control of my life for a change. Not some quack who tells me, "Take this pill, get a job and everything will be okay." I'm in tears right now, but not because my life is unbearable. Quite the opposite: I've had a lot of happiness lately. But things have to change, and I'm afraid of losing my balance again. I have been floundering for ten years and still don't completely understand what the obstacles are.

• ADHD? Probably. Danny said he didn't think so, but I have a lifetime of skill at repressing the socially inappropriate aspects. When I look over the symptoms, most of them apply.


• Some kind of anxiety disorder, for sure. I've had more panic attacks recently. Those are instinctive, physical responses involving adrenalin: fight or flight. I can avoid them, but I can't think them away. Social anxiety is different: more cognitive. That's what I'm experiencing today.
  
• I also have problems with memory and concentration that make it difficult to learn new skills or handle complex stimuli and social situations.
  
• Depression and SAD have been serious issues in the past, although mirtaxapine and the light box seem to have given consistent relief since last spring.

I need to find someone patient and intelligent enough to help me work through all these issues and move forward.

I tried to read LiveJournal last night, but it's impossible with this smudgy screen.

I'm going to the gym now to burn off some steam before the interview. Please think hopeful thoughts for me.

Comments

[ciddyguy.livejournal.com]

Good luck Van. I hope he's exactly what you need. Getting a handle on things in your life is I think the best thing for you at this time.

Hugs.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Thanks, John. I hope so, too.

[leafshimmer.livejournal.com]

I wish you a successful, stress-free meeting with the new Dr. I hope he turns out to be the right one for you.

I may have missed something, but have you already been diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder? (not sure if that's the correct term) that can be the kind of hydra headed beastie your comments about your symptoms suggest.

Sending you lots of good thoughts...

hugs and love, Shimmer

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Generalized anxiety disorder is one of the phrases I have heard thrown around, but can't remember whether it was me throwing, or a doctor. The previous shrink never told me a specific diagnosis, and my GP gets skittish when we discuss mental health (he's fantastic about everything else). So I'm still looking for clear answers.

[tbone1961.livejournal.com]

hopeful thoughts, positive vibes, anything you need my friend...

hope you can find some answers. been feeling similar things on this end as well. so interested in the outcome here...

take care.

HUGZ

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Okay, hope you are well. Hugs back at ya.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Thanks for your thoughts and the roses in my email. :-)

[mattycub.livejournal.com]

Finding a therapist that's a good match can be a difficult task. I hope that this new doctor will prove to be helpful.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Thanks, Matty. It's been a long journey. My first impression is good.

[ghostsandrobots.livejournal.com]

But of course, Van! Hugs as well.

You can do this. You might not always sail through enjoying it, but points don't get taken off for that. Fact is, you're doing it.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

And I'm realizing today what a great lot of good friends I have. It makes the going easier. Thanks, Z.

[shawnsyms.livejournal.com]

I hope it goes well, Van.

*hug*

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Hey thanks. Hope you're having a good day, too.

hugs and hopefull thoughts

[djjo.livejournal.com]

Good luck with the new doc. I hope she will be more helpfull than the last one.

I'm working on finding a replacement video card. Crossing my fingers this is all it needs.

Big hugs and keep well.

Re: hugs and hopefull thoughts

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

I am just eating a bowl of leftover chili and thinking about the nice cuddly weekend, not to mention the fun we had tearing my place apart. ;-)

The appointment went pretty well, so we'll see whether my good impression is correct.

Thanks for all your help with the video card. My current plan is to drive down on Friday. Looking forward to seeing you again.

Love,
Van

[halation.livejournal.com]

good luck to you
i hope this person is what you've been looking for
xo

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Thank you, my dear.
xo

[vaysha.livejournal.com]

peace filled blessings beautiful friend.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

That's the key, isn't it? To have peace in the face of anything. Thanks for your blessings.

[vaysha.livejournal.com]

yes and sometimes when we have a hard time managing in a crisis perhaps the trick is to find our own eye of the storm- a center place where we can ake the occasional deep breath and know that there is still blue sky there deep beneath the storm clouds- it's very easy to forget we are capapble of joy, peace, productivity and creativity when we are experiencing mental anguish.
*hugs*

I understand if you can't/don't answer this

[queenmomcat.livejournal.com]

There is a huge amount of overlap between AD(H)D and a surprisingly large number of other mental issues ranging from bipolar disorder to stress. (Autism was the one I wondered about, although I later confirmed that I don't have that.)

Here's to hoping that your new psychologist/psychiatrist/mental health professional does give you the help you need!

Re: I understand if you can't/don't answer this

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Yes, it occurred to me today how much of the symptoms of ADHD are symptoms of depression and anxiety. The only thing I would be inclined to rule out is bipolar disorder. I've felt the buzz of mania a handful of times, and only wish it were more persistent. My energy is usually at the other end of the scale. As the new Dr. pointed out today, the underlying biological factor is related to my serotonin levels. I described my problem with memory and concentration, but need to reiterate that it continues even when I'm feeling well.

[willowing.livejournal.com]

I send you hugs, love and understanding.

It would be a major shame if you left lj, but if needed, for your own good, of course, utterly understandble.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Oh dear, I have NO plans to leave LJ. I've been through that before, considered deleting myself, but that would not be a positive step for me now. I only need to evaluate the way I write my posts. I've put a lot of my creative energy into them lately, and must consider redirecting some of it. Besides that, most of us need to renovate our friends lists from time to time, but I have nothing drastic in mind. I'll figure it out by the time my monitor is fixed, hopefully on the weekend.

[justapostcard.livejournal.com]

Thinking of you, wishing you the best always.
I can identify with many of the issues you talk about.
I haven't been online much just lately, nor commenting much. But your entries are always among the ones I look forward to reading the most.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Thanks for your encouraging words. I will continue posting regularly in some form once my monitor is fixed or replaced, hopefully next week. I must thank you again for introducing me to Michael Nobbs. I've connected through him to a number of other artist/writers, and it's just what I need right now.

[justapostcard.livejournal.com]

Thank heavens you'll still be posting. I got scared when I read that one comment about leaving LJ -- thought I missed something while I've been away.

I recently went to a new doctor also (last week) and went back on meds. I thought my blood pressure was skyrocketing because of rapid heartbeat/pulse and what seemed like rushing in my head, etc. Seems it was anxiety -- I haven't had it since I restarted the depression meds. I'm not good about staying on them once I feel better, but perhaps this time I will. My doc said too many relapses indicates I need to stay on them indefinitely.

I'm so glad you're liking Michael Nobbs -- I really enjoy his journal and also his zine The Beany. I've seen your posts on the "everydaymatters" mailing list which I also subscribe to -- and I see John Bailey is also on it now -- he was probably the first journaler I read in 1998 when we first got our computer. My longing is to draw but I'm not letting myself so far. Need to get over that.

Once again, best to you. And may we all be well!

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Indeed, may we all!

No, I'm not even contemplating leaving LJ. All I meant by that comment was that the problem with my monitor is forcing me to take a break until I get the problem fixed, and I'm taking the opportunity to evaluate the way I approach my posts. They've served me well for a few months, but lately I've realized they're taking too much time and energy away from other writing projects. I'm considering writing shorter posts, or not every day, or perhaps just an end-of-the-day roundup.

John Bailey's journal is new to me and I'm looking forward to reading it more regularly, although that too will have to wait until my monitor is fixed.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

P.S. I'm looking forward to seeing what happens when you let yourself draw. :-)

[daisydumont.livejournal.com]

beaming out good will. i hope this doctor can do you much good.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Thank you, V. It went pretty well. I was feeling a little panicky afterwards, but a bowl of chili and answering my friends' comments has calmed me down again. :-)

[roosterbear.livejournal.com]

It's funny how we all seem to be living parallel lives sometimes: I just got another list from a different source, hoping to find myself a therapist, and hopefully tomorrow I can start calling some of the names on it.

*hug* Anyway, I hope it went well today.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

It's looking hopeful. I remember the first couple of times I met the last guy. It was that I got a bad feeling, but he was so cool and businesslike I felt no particular affinity for him. At least I like the new one.

I hope someone good turns up for you, Darren.

Cheers,
Van

[ksp24.livejournal.com]

Hi there!

I've seen your work in varied communities, and thanks to ubermunkey's strong suggestion, adding you to my FL.

I hope that's Ok with you!

Thanks!

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Welcome! My LJ activities have been partially suspended this week due to problems with my monitor. But I expect to have things fixed in a couple days, and then I'll resume posting. Your journal looks interesting, too. I'm hesitating to add you back because I'm faced with having to scale back my own friends list somewhat. But if I can make room, I will.