vaneramos | Hopeful, distraught

I have a first meeting in two-and-a-half hours with Dr. J, potentially my new shrink. I am so anxious I could hardly eat breakfast this morning. I just want to find someone who will help me find the tools I need to take control of my life for a change. Not some quack who tells me, "Take this pill, get a job and everything will be okay." I'm in tears right now, but not because my life is unbearable. Quite the opposite: I've had a lot of happiness lately. But things have to change, and I'm afraid of losing my balance again. I have been floundering for ten years and still don't completely understand what the obstacles are.

ADHD? Probably. Danny said he didn't think so, but I have a lifetime of skill at repressing the socially inappropriate aspects. When I look over the symptoms, most of them apply.

Some kind of anxiety disorder, for sure. I've had more panic attacks recently. Those are instinctive, physical responses involving adrenalin: fight or flight. I can avoid them, but I can't think them away. Social anxiety is different: more cognitive. That's what I'm experiencing today.
I also have problems with memory and concentration that make it difficult to learn new skills or handle complex stimuli and social situations.
Depression and SAD have been serious issues in the past, although mirtaxapine and the light box seem to have given consistent relief since last spring.

I need to find someone patient and intelligent enough to help me work through all these issues and move forward.

I tried to read LiveJournal last night, but it's impossible with this smudgy screen.

I'm going to the gym now to burn off some steam before the interview. Please think hopeful thoughts for me.