Fog

[vaneramos]

Sandpipers at Singing Sands, Bruce Peninsula National Park, August 2001


Talking to a couple friends last night, I decided to give Celexa one more night. I want to make things better.

I came back from the river just now, the first time I've gone out since Sunday night. I felt spatially disoriented. To see things clearly, I had to look directly at them. I felt one degree away from losing my way home.

The water was high. I leaned against Old Man Willow and felt embraced in the arms of nature. The sharp wind made my scalp ache, but I was grateful for the reminder that I am alive and my senses have not left me. The air smelt of moisture and mud.

In June 1996 when I first started taking Paxil, I remember crossing the Speed River one day at Edinburgh Bridge. In the sunlight and wind I felt an unprecedented contentment. It was as if I had never felt happy before, and in truth I had not. I have practiced happiness ever since.

I did it under a fog until I stopped taking Paxil in 2001. Since then I've managed pretty well, although I still need some changes. Returning to the fog will not help me make them.

Comments

[missprune.livejournal.com]

It seems to me that a course of anti-depressants can be very helpful in just giving one the experience of feeling happy. It's as you say, something you practice once you know what it's like. Sometimes though, it seems beyond the reach of intention...

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

This time around I've been looking for something to help with anxiety. But I suppose the same principle applies. I need to practice calm, and at times it seems "beyond the reach of intention."

[vaysha.livejournal.com]

pure magic!
I love sandpipers. It's hard to look at them and not smile.
:)

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

How I love to see them running back and forth with the waves! :-)

[handlebear.livejournal.com]

You've been in my thoughts. *Hugs*

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Thank you. I value my friends the most when it takes more than the usual energy to stay connected.

[quirkstreet.livejournal.com]

For the record, I believe that you're wonderful. Every day.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Oh Pete, so are you.

[quirkstreet.livejournal.com]

I think you have been needing to hear it even more lately than I have been. And I've been needing it surprisingly painfully at times. Mood stuff is yucky.

We are both going to become more fabulous and happy as time goes on.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Um, now I realize how much I've missed you lately. I'd give you a stern glance, but it's making my sniffly.

[kwangjse.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry for your troubles Van.

And I love the composition of this photo!

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

For years all my photos came out the way I shot them. The past two years I've had great fun editing my digital images. Scanning this old photo today and cropping it slightly made me appreciate the new technology so much more.

Likewise, this unfortunate experiment in treating my anxiety has helped me appreciate how far I have come in the enjoyment of life.