Fog

[vaneramos]

Sandpipers at Singing Sands, Bruce Peninsula National Park, August 2001


Talking to a couple friends last night, I decided to give Celexa one more night. I want to make things better.

I came back from the river just now, the first time I've gone out since Sunday night. I felt spatially disoriented. To see things clearly, I had to look directly at them. I felt one degree away from losing my way home.

The water was high. I leaned against Old Man Willow and felt embraced in the arms of nature. The sharp wind made my scalp ache, but I was grateful for the reminder that I am alive and my senses have not left me. The air smelt of moisture and mud.

In June 1996 when I first started taking Paxil, I remember crossing the Speed River one day at Edinburgh Bridge. In the sunlight and wind I felt an unprecedented contentment. It was as if I had never felt happy before, and in truth I had not. I have practiced happiness ever since.

I did it under a fog until I stopped taking Paxil in 2001. Since then I've managed pretty well, although I still need some changes. Returning to the fog will not help me make them.

Comments

[kwangjse.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry for your troubles Van.

And I love the composition of this photo!

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

For years all my photos came out the way I shot them. The past two years I've had great fun editing my digital images. Scanning this old photo today and cropping it slightly made me appreciate the new technology so much more.

Likewise, this unfortunate experiment in treating my anxiety has helped me appreciate how far I have come in the enjoyment of life.