Solo sex

[vaneramos]

At age 11 I felt the first sweet hurt and flow of strange fluid on my hand. I thought I had discovered something rare and miraculous.

Between ages 19 and 26 when I was celibate, my church considered masturbation sinful. Still, it was my only outlet for all those years.

Nowadays, with 15 dildoes, cock rings, ball stretchers, weights, bungies, other toys and my porn collection, I have a self-loving session several evenings a week. Sometimes I like it more than sex with men. How much is too much? Nobody knows how to please myself the way I do. Do my esoteric rituals hold me back from opening to others?

On the other hand my boyfriend pleases me in ways I cannot. Sex alone and with men can hardly be compared.

Lately I have felt more secure and willing to take risks in sharing intimacy. I don't have to be so defensive; people can only hurt me if I let them. Sometimes I need affection, attention and the opportunity to give generously of myself.

But other times I still need to be alone and go to that place of private exploration. It is a gift to myself. I'm exorcising shame.

Comments

[dakoopst.livejournal.com]

Sex alone and with men can hardly be compared.

Absolutely correct. Isn't it interesting how the two activities, while similar, satisfy totally different needs?

I find, often, when sleep eludes me, that masturbation is an effective mood-enhancer and tranquilizer. I can also focus my thoughts on the world of fantasy, allowing me to perfect the sexual image I use to fit my desires at the time.

Sex with another man allows me to take the intensity I find in pleasing myself and share it with and on another man. Nothing is quite so erotic as the sound of one's partner moaning in pleasure...nothing quite so electric as the the feeling of different skins rubbing lightly against each other...and nothing quite so nice as the sweat-drenched, utterly spent cuddling at the end.

It helps that I have lost the shame long ago I once associated with both gay sex and masturbation...for I had the same shame you once had, of course. It is one of the many ways organized religion robs us of little pleasures so we depend upon its meager pleasures even more.

But we grow, and learn, and change, and move on...thank deities, or chaos, or nature, or yourself, or whatever you choose for that.

different skins

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

It was interesting to get a glimpse of how you experience masturbation. I might write more of my own story in the future, but for today it seemed enough to broach the topic. It's fascinating how we are all different, and what pleases us, and how two unique individuals can complement one another so well. And how we feel complemented differently by different partners. When it comes down to it, I suppose I am simply one of my own partners, loving myself uniquely. It's just another aspect of my own identity. The beauty of intimacy is in sharing who we are, rather than who we pretend to be. In the past I did so much hiding, not being intentionally dishonest with others, but dishonest with myself in order to meet other's expectations. It's a relief to shrug of those old habits.

[champdaddy.livejournal.com]

it seems I've subscribed to your journal at just the right time!

[ubermunkey.livejournal.com]

wow I am running out the door but I'll be back to really respond to this

in the meantime
be well

[ghostsandrobots.livejournal.com]

Jeez, we do share a brain.

Re: different skins

[justapostcard.livejournal.com]

In the past I did so much hiding, not being intentionally dishonest with others, but dishonest with myself in order to meet other's expectations. -- I can so identify with this sentence.

I like this! -- I suppose I am simply one of my own partners...

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Yes, it is interesting. I've already been over and read some excerpts of your journal. Welcome.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Look forward to hearing from you. :-)

cheers

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

I'm glad! I'm still getting over my squeamishness about discussing this at all, but it would be interesting to hear a woman's perspective. I haven't given that territory much thought since my fundie days. Someday maybe I'll ask you to elaborate, but I might need a glass of wine first.

[ghostsandrobots.livejournal.com]

Hahaha. I'm actually far more uptight about it than you, it seems. Someday sounds all right though. I'll need some of that wine.

Re: different skins

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Thanks for commenting. I'm glad it resonates with others.

[weebax.livejournal.com]

"I find, often, when sleep eludes me, that masturbation is an effective mood-enhancer and tranquilizer."

It's funny I do the same thing. It's a way to knock me out. After sex I'm a big cuddler. I jsut love to fall asleep in a man's arms just get lost int he after moment. That's why I prefere to cuddle than bang bang get out sex.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

I agree, that the after part is very important. In fact body contact is one of the best things about sex. And it's one of the biggest things missing from masturbation.

[dakoopst.livejournal.com]

Mmm..you and I are EXACTLY alike on that, then...

And I guess that's why my foreplay is so long and slow and sensual...afterwards, I'm very relaxed and a good cuddle-rug.

[dakoopst.livejournal.com]

I love it when two people I consider cool start following each other's journals.... :)

[weebax.livejournal.com]

yes same with me...some guys just don;t get it..even down and dirty sex can also have it's share of intamacy. Some guys don;t want to go there cause they have issues (they can't seperate sex from love so they get throw up a barrior to hide their fear or get too attached recently). I ran into this with a guy who told me str8 up that he doesn't want me to get too attached quickly and yet now is stand off towards me afterwords. Yeah like whatever buddy....Thus giving me the Church St. Shuffle.

The guys I had the most fun with are mature enough to know what they want, and we can still laugh and be friends afterwords.

[weebax.livejournal.com]

But sometimes going sole is fun too. Sometimes you need to have that release!!

[dakoopst.livejournal.com]

*nods* I definitely feel there's an aspect of intimacy in ANY sexual situation. I think that's why the "slam-bam-thank-you-man" approach to tricking doesn't work for me too well...I revel in that intimacy, and in bringing pleasure to my partner. It's nice to focus your energy on the other person and to maximize their experience...and in order to do that best, you have to get a feel for their likes and dislikes. This requires an openness that some people shy away from.

As for being friends afterwards -- many of my friends were people I had sex with early in the relationship, and don't now. The friendship just matured past that and into something else in those cases. In others, the sex is still strong. It's a case-by-case thing for me.

Hmm...It sounds like we could have a very good time if we ever met. ;)

One woman's POV

[artricia.livejournal.com]

The beauty of intimacy is in sharing who we are, rather than who we pretend to be. In the past I did so much hiding, not being intentionally dishonest with others, but dishonest with myself in order to meet other's expectations. It's a relief to shrug of those old habits. I could have written that, although I'll add that I often find it frightening and challenging to srug off the old habits.

And the alone/with someone else comparison holds true: they're like apples and oranges.

I don't have nearly the toy collection you do. More and more, I'm exploring fantasy, imagination, and letting go rather than technology. I suspect that's more personal than gendered, though. I think living with E. and being monogamous makes my sex-life much more different too. I don't self-pleasure nearly as much as I used to when I had my own space.

Re: One woman's POV

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

If I lived with someone I think I would still feel more inhibited, but of course that's based on past experience, and the people in my life don't hold the same repressive values as people I lived with before. Exploring fantasy and imagination sounds like a good thing, though.