Solo sex

[vaneramos]

At age 11 I felt the first sweet hurt and flow of strange fluid on my hand. I thought I had discovered something rare and miraculous.

Between ages 19 and 26 when I was celibate, my church considered masturbation sinful. Still, it was my only outlet for all those years.

Nowadays, with 15 dildoes, cock rings, ball stretchers, weights, bungies, other toys and my porn collection, I have a self-loving session several evenings a week. Sometimes I like it more than sex with men. How much is too much? Nobody knows how to please myself the way I do. Do my esoteric rituals hold me back from opening to others?

On the other hand my boyfriend pleases me in ways I cannot. Sex alone and with men can hardly be compared.

Lately I have felt more secure and willing to take risks in sharing intimacy. I don't have to be so defensive; people can only hurt me if I let them. Sometimes I need affection, attention and the opportunity to give generously of myself.

But other times I still need to be alone and go to that place of private exploration. It is a gift to myself. I'm exorcising shame.

Comments

One woman's POV

[artricia.livejournal.com]

The beauty of intimacy is in sharing who we are, rather than who we pretend to be. In the past I did so much hiding, not being intentionally dishonest with others, but dishonest with myself in order to meet other's expectations. It's a relief to shrug of those old habits. I could have written that, although I'll add that I often find it frightening and challenging to srug off the old habits.

And the alone/with someone else comparison holds true: they're like apples and oranges.

I don't have nearly the toy collection you do. More and more, I'm exploring fantasy, imagination, and letting go rather than technology. I suspect that's more personal than gendered, though. I think living with E. and being monogamous makes my sex-life much more different too. I don't self-pleasure nearly as much as I used to when I had my own space.

Re: One woman's POV

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

If I lived with someone I think I would still feel more inhibited, but of course that's based on past experience, and the people in my life don't hold the same repressive values as people I lived with before. Exploring fantasy and imagination sounds like a good thing, though.