Fences

[vaneramos]

This week continued the worst bout of insomnia and emotional isolation I've experienced in at least two years since I started taking mirtazapine: the spiral of anxiety, avoidance, compulsivity, sleeplessness, loss of equilibrium, worse anxiety. I've slept about six hours of the past 72. Maybe it's reaction to recent increased sociability and productivity, with more new frontiers rising ahead, recoiling into my teenage safety zone, reclusiveness.

Today the community garden co-ordinator assigned plots. Mine is larger and more weed-free than expected. Best of all, it already contains two favourite herbs: tarragon and lemon balm. I dug the whole 10-foot square in three hours, then helped a less fortunate neighbour tear out sod. I loved getting dirty fingernails, after 10 years' separation from the land.

The best part was meeting neighbours. Fences are against the principles of the garden, intended to turn a drab vacant lot into a beautiful, welcoming place, each plot contributing to the whole without carefully demarcated boundaries. It's a risk, especially in a depressed community. One might as well forget growing pumpkins.

Humanity's best hope lies in extending trust over a broader scale. It's like intimacy: opening the city gates for troubadours, knowing one might be an assassin.

Comments

[rsc.livejournal.com]

Keep an eye on that tarragon. It'll want to spread.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Yes, I know it tends that way. Ironically, it has never done particularly well in any of my gardens, so I was just delighted to see a vigorous little plant that appeared to have survived considerable neglect last summer.

[bitterlawngnome.livejournal.com]

bring us the spreadings!

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Sure! It's not big enough to divide yet, but it looks nicely established and will undoubtedly have plenty of offshoots by fall or spring.

[daisydumont.livejournal.com]

i hope all that healthy exertion helps you to rest well tonight, van.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Thanks, Vicki, and for those nice hopeful, restful candles, too.

I do expect so. While trying to proofread this post, I kept flicking in momentarily into dream state. I practically never get that sleepy during daytime. I couldn't go for a nap because I had to unload the basement dryer before the store closed downstairs at 6. But I also know it's better (for me) to save that impulse until later or risk throwing of the cycle even more. I have a good feeling I'll be able to turn into a little early and sleep like a baby tonight.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Yeah, that's precisely the cycle mirtazapine seemed to make self-limiting. Even now I feel somewhat lethargic at night; my brain simply won't turn off until 4, 5 or 6 in the morning, so I sit up doing something until I get sleepy. This is considerably less agonizing than waking with a start at 2:30 after two hours' sleep, feeling agitating and exhausted, obsessing over some particular probelm, and never getting back to sleep.

I did feel drowsy for a little while this afternoon, which is pretty unusual, so here's hoping this will be the night sleep kicks back in.

[(Anonymous)]

As someone who has battled with insomnia for years, I know how you are feeling. The most effective thing for me is to find something (usually a favorite movie) that completely immerses me. Even breaking the cycle of anxiety/regret/preconceptions for a couple of hours can make enough of a difference to get me to sleep. I've had much better success with this than with pills.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

That's more or less how I've been trying to handle it. Actually this kind of insomnia, where I feel dull but not sleepy enough to get to sleep, is much more bearable than the kind I naturally experience, where I would fall asleep around midnight, then wake with a jerk two or three hours later, with some stupid irritant running endlessly throuhg my mind, and never getting back to sleep. At that point my body would not want to respond, and it would feel so depressed and self-defeating to get out of bed and do something. Mirtazapine pretty much prevents that from happening. Once I get myself to settle down, I sleep like a rock. Unfortunately if I did't settle down until 6:30 in the morning, my body clock still wakes me at 8:30 or 9. But at that time, getting out of bed is not too depressing.

[bitterlawngnome.livejournal.com]

yay you get to raid the seed drawer tomrrow :)

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

Yeah! It's too bad I didn't get organized sooner. It's probably too late to start tomatoes (I'll have to buy plants). But there's still time for a lot of other things.

[grandiva1968.livejournal.com]

Mmmm, plotting!

Tarragon hates growing in Texas, but I have scads of basil.

[quillon.livejournal.com]

I wish they had community gardens here. I haven't heard of any, but haven't actively looked.

My plot

[blt4success66.livejournal.com]

For a second there I thought that's where you were going to be buried, then I actually stopped to read the entry. Sheesh!

[thewindrose.livejournal.com]

This photo reminds me of the alloment gardens I saw in England. I can't wait to see more photos as the summer progresses.

I hope you get many restful nights soon, my friend.