Crater face

[vaneramos]

The past week seems to have been designed to reduce me to a blithering mass of fragility. First came a fresh volley of hot-and-cold treatment from a certain parent who will remain nameless. Meanwhile other family members have been well nigh impossible to reach, though at one-quarter the age they needn't measure against the same standard of maturity as a grandfather. Then came threats of eviction from the new landlords over a dispute they have with the property manager; we are not at fault so they can't evict us, but it's still a hassle and the kind of thing that digs to the root of my insecurities. Tonight I had to craft a diplomatic letter telling them to f*** off. All this while Danny is on a much needed vacation at art school, a week of classes to launch the fourth year of his spinning certificate, and shouldn't have to listen to me whine over the phone every evening. Guilt is not one of my demons, but this last part makes me feel guilty. The good news is my g.p. phoned (on Saturday afternoon!) and we had an excellent conversation straightening out some miscommunication. To be honest I make things bad for myself by being so f***ing deferential and nodding my head when people aren't hearing me, and not reacting until later. She probably didn't do anything wrong and, to her credit, she took my criticisms very, very graciously. Now we're on the same page and ready to work to see if we can find any cause for ongoing fatigue. Besides the fact that this week has been an ugly crater on the face of an otherwise luminous summer. Oh yeah, and Jack Layton, the politician I respected, the one I didn't vote for (I voted Green), but hoped for. My impulse is to swear vehemently, but instead I'll end with his final words to Canadians:

My friends, love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we’ll change the world.

Comments

[changeling72.livejournal.com]

I hope the luminosity of the summer soon returns!

[ghostsandrobots.livejournal.com]

To be honest I make things bad for myself by being so f***ing deferential and nodding my head when people aren't hearing me, and not reacting until later.

You and me both. It's good not to fly off the handle but I often wish my reaction time was a lot shorter.

Sorry you're having such a rough week. *hugs*

[apel.livejournal.com]

That's quite a lot to have on your plate at once.

I have a tendency to just want to get out of a situation when I don't feel heard. It just feels so painful to me that I fear that also losing my dignity by crying or getting angry would make me implode with shame. I hate it.

These days I still bolt as soon as I can if I can't make myself heard. But I've stopped blaming myself for it. It's just the way I am and nothing to be ashamed of. With that attitude, I can then reconnect, ideally calmly and in writing, and get my point across.

Some of my friendships and professional relationships have been improved by that strategy. In other cases, it's allowed me to sever relationships that weren't good for me.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

I almost always have delayed emotional reactions to difficult situations. I don't understand why, and I guess, like you, I have to forgive myself for being that way and figure out how to work with it. I think it's the way my subconsious prevents me from showing anger or talking back, because in my childhood home anger was not tolerated (in children) and the cardinal rule was, "Don't talk back."

I've had to wait a long, long time to work with an intelligent doctor who doesn't dismiss my symptoms as trivial, so when I thought she was trivializing them I started to shut down. But when we talked on Saturday I realized I had misread her. I have to remind myself that her high energy manner doesn't mean she is too busy to listen, and I may have to remind her that I have troubles with concentration and memory, so we may need to slow down to make sure everything important has been communicated.

After the conversation, my psyche severely punished me for challenging and criticizing her directly. My instincts were waiting for the other shoe to drop, the backlash. The anxiety was so bad my whole body hurt. I seldom confront anyone that way. In this case I could not afford to sacrifice a good relationship with a decent doctor.

[trinker.livejournal.com]

Just a note to let you know that I read this and ... wanted to extend some token of friendship and validation and support.