GERD and GAD

I saw the doctor on Monday afternoon. Here's what I learned:

• He gave me some information about hiatus hernia, most of which I had already found on the internet. He said it's okay to keep using Zantac, although it tends to lose its efficacy after a couple of months. He prescribed Pariet and gave me enough box samples to last me several months. I will only take it as needed. He didn't mention diet, although the information sheets discussed lifestyle changes and said to avoid alcohol and caffeine. Lately I've have experienced very little acid reflux (GERD) and haven't needed to use medication every day. I will take a cautious approach to business as usual.


• He wasn't going to mention blood tests, so I asked about them. The good news was my haemoglobin is back up to normal since the last test almost two years ago. The bad news was my cholesterol is up slightly. He wasn't concerned about it, but I plan to watch my diet more carefully. Ten years ago when I discovered the cholesterol problem I went on a strict low-fat diet, which didn't make any difference and was probably unnecessary, but it taught me a few things I can do without reducing my pleasure in eating.


• While sitting in the waiting room I picked up a brochure on Generalized Anxiety Disorder. It pretty well describes my life, in fact I would venture to say that most of the depression which I have experienced and been treated for, should have been treated as secondary to some kind of anxiety disorder. I saw a psychiatrist twice a month from 1996 to 2001 and he never mentioned anxiety disorders. I have been subject to occasional panic attacks and the accompanying avoidance behaviour, which are not normally aspects of GAD. They present a significant barrier to finding a job and normal relations with my biological family. I'm on a new waiting list for a different specialist, so we'll see if I can reach a more useful diagnosis and treatment.

In other news, yesterday I went to the Canadian Mental Health Association and applied for an employment support program. Just sitting there in a quiet room, filling out a form, with one soft-spoken young woman working at her desk in the distance, my anxiety level was as high as I could manage, but I did it.

Recently I wondered whether I would benefit from some kind of 12-step support group for children of dysfunctional families. The problem is these groups treat depression and anxiety—those overwhelming feelings of helplessness and worry—as a moral failure. No question I have spent too much of my life trying to please others. No question I have behaved badly at times. No question I have been treated badly. The present solution, however, does not involve buying into the feeling that I am powerless, or need to rely on a higher power. This notion of authority is irrelevant, a human invention useful for controlling the way people behave, a tool that has often been abused.

Emotional disorders involve a breakdown in how an individual interacts with community. We are fundamentally social creatures, not moral. We require effective interaction to survive. A key to treating the breakdown is recognizing that it's no one's fault. It's a natural response to a society in which power is perpetually traded, won and lost.

Having found myself at a loss, I continue to negotiate for more.

Unguarded

Sunday afternoon was a gem. Danny djjo and I arrived downtown 45 minutes early, so we stood outside on the bus platform, enjoying the fresh air and bright reflections of sunshine.



Today has been one of revelation. Writing about anxiety has allowed me join together some themes in my life, glimpsing a stretch of the path forward through wilderness.

A few months ago a LJ friend, on one of our first meetings in person, asked in the course of casual interaction, "Are you feeling self-conscious?" I was startled. I felt nothing out of the ordinary, in fact I was relatively happy in his company.

"I'm alright," I replied, laughing nervously. "Self-consciousness is a fact of my life. It doesn't mean I'm not enjoying myself."

The exact same thing happened last week. Another new acquaintance, the first time we have met outside a public place.

"Are you uncomfortable about something?" he asked.

I had to explain myself again. The fact that this anxiety is so obvious to people who barely know me only aggravates the problem. In fact I have trouble relaxing in most social situations and there are very, very few people with whom I feel at ease most of the time. Perhaps only two. My friend Jon is one of them.

The other is Danny. Part of the reason most of my romantic relationships have fizzled is that I couldn't let my guard down. Lacking a sense of confidence about how I fit in the relationship, I was always afraid to be and give of myself. Danny's gentleness and optimism, which are naturally his but I like to think I encourage, make me feel free.

See for yourself.