Feeling loved

My anxiety peaked this week. Several factors contributed: the usual letdown after a concert performance, plus concern about my daughter and ongoing frustration with my effort to find a therapist—so far fruitless. Yesterday was the worst in several months. Fortunately I'm finding tools to work with. This morning, after dragging myself out of bed, feeling this would be another bad day, I had an excellent time of reading and meditation. The book Painfully Shy has introduced some cognitive therapy. Meanwhile, in meditation I have started concentrating on breathing for 15 minutes at a time. It opens a refreshing space in my mind.

I spent a quiet hour in the green armchair this morning. I have regrouped.

One of the things that helped cognitively was thinking about the past weekend, specifically the times spent with my cub. How we went and sat on the bench in the park, drinking our Saturday morning coffee, smiling and greeting the people who passed. How warm sunshine filled the open woods with fragrance of violets, and he snuck photos of me down on hands and knees with my camera. Or the shining look in his eyes when I held him before he left on Sunday. I hesitate to gush all over my journal because he is more private about personal things, but I want to tell what a beautiful man he is.

Here is this vital question: is it better to love or be loved? I believe it is better to love, because then your heart is alive.

But to love someone romantically without fear, and to be loved in return unreservedly and without criticism, is an unfamiliar happiness to me.

My nature journal for April has been posted at Suite101:

Redolent with violets

Frog calls

You might find this web site interesting if you have a pond behind your barn, or any other occasion to stroll around wetlands at night this time of year. From the Toronto Zoo, this online field guide includes embedded sound files of the various calls.

Frogs and toads of Ontario