Polyamory realized

Poinsettia at Allan Gardens


Before Danny, I called myself polyamorous because I couldn't imagine limiting myself to loving one person. I had never had a stable romantic relationship, and could hardly imagine what one felt like. Perhaps I was afraid to risk all my dreams on one horse.

Danny arrived unlooked-for. We started with pleasant companionship, enjoyable sex, minimal expectations and no drama. It still surprises me to have this simple love outshining my unrealized hopes. Its worth is inexpressible.

Danny has another partner. From the outset it was implicit that I might someday, too. But with limited time and energy, it's hard to imagine giving away more.

So it's strange to find other expressions and gradations of love emerging, the way I theorized polyamory might work for me. No blinding flashes, simply a warm breath here and there, friends I visit now and again. I realize I could love someone I see once a year, or care deeply for one I have yet to meet. Desire doesn't have to hurt or even involve sex. Recently this variety of interactions has obviated my interest in anonymous adventures.

I'm startled to discover my sex life satisfying. The feeling comes and goes, but overall it's good.

Things I don't like to post about

Allan Gardens


People sometimes comment about how my wonderful life encourages them. It surprises me, because life feels like a narrow path between joy and disaster.

My credit card debt edged dangerously high over the holidays. Now that I'm driving my parents' leased car and don't need a credit card (in order to rent a car and visit my daughters), perhaps I should reconsider debt counselling. For now I can make the payments, and I'll have enough money for monthly rent and groceries, but not much else.

My work at Two Rivers Neighbourhood Group is appreciated, in fact they want me to work more hours. That's building my confidence, and hopefully will help me seek paid employment before long.

I've been taking mirtazapine since June 2004 to treat depression and anxiety, and it's helping, although my sleep cycle has become wonky again lately. In other good news, the community mental health support groups, cancelled in September, have resumed. I'll participate in a cognitive therapy group beginning next Thursday.

I have a penchant for seeing beauty, and certainly that trait has helped me survive. This, combined with certain good things like the love I wrote about yesterday, keeps me believing things will improve.